Dear Avid Reader,
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Why Would We Lie To Ourselves?
If someone with a had a time machine, he would probably have a lab coat on. I guess he would also probably be a man because I used "he" instead of "she" to describe the person. I guess that is sexist, but what can you do. People who work on theoretically impossible projects are typically men. At least that is what studies show.
Before stepping into the time machine the lab-coated gentleman would explain to the subject he wanted to transport the dangers of walking around in a different time. The subject should avoid any disruptions to the timeline. It would have catastrophic consequences. The subject might wonder aloud why they should even be attempting this. The scientist might mutter under his breath something about the subject sounding just like the fools at the university he used to work at. And also how unfair is was that the subject's gender was never mentioned in this paragraph.
The Only True Wisdom Consists In Knowing That You Know Nothing
Time travel would be tricky. No doubt. I assume most folks would want time travel in order to change something in their past. Something that they wished never happened, something they wish they had pursued, maybe even avert some disaster. I used to work with a guy who legitimately believed that 9/11 and the JFK assassination were perpetrated by time travelers that were preventing World War III. This is real. This guy exists. And why they didn't stop World War II also bothers me. I guess the people of the future are Holocaust deniers.
That Conversation Made More Sense This Time
Unfortunately changing the past always has unintended consequences. But Bill & Ted don't really worry about these problems. And the problems of time travel never happen. Lincoln doesn't get put back in his own time and lose the Civil War. Beethoven doesn't die from a disease from his future that his body can't fight. Sigmund Freud doesn't stop doing cocaine. And I think this is really what people should want from time travel. Basically, time travel tourism.
I think I fantasize about where to visit more than things I would want to change. I'd like to see Chamberlin's 100 point game. Martin Luther nailing the 99 Thesis on the church door. The first Guttenberg Bible coming off the press. Cool stuff like that. Why try and tell the fifteen year-old version of yourself that they should change their college major? I'd probably just think I was another adult to defy. Unless I bought him beer or something. Then I (15 year-old me) would think I (31 year-old me) was cool.
Be Excellent To Each Other
I think a lot about trying to change things. But it is always coupled with a fear that I would end up unraveling something that I love by accident. Like If I were looking for a new job, if I got one, what would I miss about the one I have now? It will probably be something I am not even aware of. Like the chairs.
The chairs? Really? Well I guess maybe. Chairs. Hmmmm.
You Are Dealing With The Oddity Of Time Travel With The Greatest Of Ease
I'm not sure of the strength of this essay. I feel like the weekly writing is starting to expose the limits of my creativity. Like I'm finally scraping the bottom of the barrel. Right now I would like to go into the future and see if I am going to write a better essay next week so I can feel better about mailing it in right now. But I think traveling forward would be the worst thing to do. That would ruin the best part of this project and that is actually writing them. The outcome should be the least of my concerns.
The feeling after running is the best. Relief. Accomplishment. Knowledge. Energy. But that feeling is so temporary. The same is for this blog. I gear up to do it and then once I finish, I feel great. But when it comes time to do the next one, it feels like the ideas won't come. Like the hill I just ran last week got taller. How can the hill keep getting bigger?
Everything Is Different, But The Same... Bigger, And Yet Smaller
And maybe that is what time travel is. A desire to not have to climb the hill. Rather, the traveler can just go back and tell himself to not do the regretful act. Screw the damage to the space-time continuum! I want to not feel regret!
It's sad. That's why Bill and Ted had it right. Time travel should only be used to help with homework.
Until Next I Blog,
James
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Week 20: Tombstone
Dear Avid Reader,
Blog blog bloggity blog. Bloggity blog blog, blog blog blog blog.
Blog blog blog. Blog.
You Look Like Somebody Just Walked Over Your Grave
There are two things about this movie. One is that it is an absolute train wreck. It really feels like it was slapped together. It took me like seven times to understand that Billy was a deputy of Behan. McMasters is hastily introduced and then killed. If the Cowboy Gang ran everything, and was getting money from all of Tombstone business, why rob a stagecoach (like the one Fabian was killed in)? It is just not a smooth ride.
But here's the other thing about the movie. It freaking rules.
I Have Two Guns, One For Each Of Ya
The reason it rules is obvious. Doc Effing Holiday. Val Kilmer's performance is clearly the reason this flick gets rewatched. But before getting too deep into how awesome Holiday is, I think it is important to reflect on how screwed Wyatt is in his own movie. He spends the entire first half of the movie turning down offers to become sheriff. He tells Virgil to not get involved and Morgan the same. And when he grudgingly joins up with them, Wyatt tries in vain to tell his brothers to let the Cowboys sleep off their drunken rage at the OK Corral. So of course when everything hits the fan, he gets blamed. "You just had to be so smart," spits Virgil's wife at Earp. What the heck lady?
And it doesn't stop there. Wyatt also tried to get his wife off opium to no avail. This is, of course, while she accuses him of cheating on her with Josephine, even though they never have sex. If I were Wyatt I would have spent the entire movie screaming, "What did I do?" or "I totally said we shouldn't get involved." or "Seriously? You're blaming me?" No wonder he spends the second half of the movie capping more folks than The Punisher. I don't blame the guy for going all Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Dude was mad stressin'. Word.
You're A Daisy If You Do
So while Wyatt gets sand-bagged in his own flick, Doc steals the show with all the great lines and awesome gun moves. He's the Rerun, the Strong Bad, the Ed Norton of the whole movie. And I think this dynamic is hurting America. Yes, Doc Holiday's irresistible charisma and sparkling wit is ruining lives.
You see, if the position of second banana is where the true genius toils in the shadows, then that is where the true geniuses are gonna end up applying to work. That's where society has told them to go. In a world where the best people are fighting for number two spots, duos wind up end up with terrible, under qualified folks at the leader position. Doesn't a particular U.S president come to "mind" ? Highlight below to see who I'm talking about.
Why write "Bush" when you already assumed I was going to write it? What does it mean that you immediately thought about him? Is it more to do with your perception of the media coverage around him, his actual qualifications and performance, or how you understand my personal politics? Interesting, no?
And who would want to be Luke when they can be Han Solo? Luke loses a hand, gets yelled at by a muppet, and accidentally makes out with his sister. Han gets the girl, the cool lines, and Chewbacca. Here's the two options: fight tough mental, spiritual, and physical battles with dad, or do the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs in the sweetest ride in the galaxy. Oh yeah, tough choice.
Maybe Poker's Just Not Your Game, Ike, I Know, Let's Have A Spelling Contest
The hero of today is unappreciated. The man/woman/talking dog that stands behind him maybe funnier, but he's not taking the lumps. No one blames the sidekick. No one blamed Quayle for the 90's recession, they blamed Bush. No one would have blamed Barney for a Mayberry crime spree, they would have blamed Andy. But alas our current system is to build the folks up and then tear them down. Just look at bum-turned-media darling Ted Williams. In the span of a week he was discovered, declared awesome, given a job, and then accused of being degenerate drunk incapable of help. All in a week. A week!
Culture is moving faster and faster. Epic poems are 140 characters long. Civilizations are grown, applauded, and then torn down hourly on game servers. Books downloaded, read, critiqued, and deleted before finishing a Facebook status that reads "Stephen King is overrated". And the kids on the rollercoaster, drunk on the possibility of life, cry ,"Faster! Faster still!"
I'm Your Huckleberry
And the only thing that can stop the encroaching madness. Except maybe a hero. Someone who can stand for what is decent and good. Someone incorruptible. Someone who will face the bullets and darts of non-believers and the jealous. Someone of energy and power. A true hero.
And they need to call me so I can be their wise ass sidekick.
Until Next I Blog,
James
Blog blog bloggity blog. Bloggity blog blog, blog blog blog blog.
Blog blog blog. Blog.
You Look Like Somebody Just Walked Over Your Grave
There are two things about this movie. One is that it is an absolute train wreck. It really feels like it was slapped together. It took me like seven times to understand that Billy was a deputy of Behan. McMasters is hastily introduced and then killed. If the Cowboy Gang ran everything, and was getting money from all of Tombstone business, why rob a stagecoach (like the one Fabian was killed in)? It is just not a smooth ride.
But here's the other thing about the movie. It freaking rules.
I Have Two Guns, One For Each Of Ya
The reason it rules is obvious. Doc Effing Holiday. Val Kilmer's performance is clearly the reason this flick gets rewatched. But before getting too deep into how awesome Holiday is, I think it is important to reflect on how screwed Wyatt is in his own movie. He spends the entire first half of the movie turning down offers to become sheriff. He tells Virgil to not get involved and Morgan the same. And when he grudgingly joins up with them, Wyatt tries in vain to tell his brothers to let the Cowboys sleep off their drunken rage at the OK Corral. So of course when everything hits the fan, he gets blamed. "You just had to be so smart," spits Virgil's wife at Earp. What the heck lady?
And it doesn't stop there. Wyatt also tried to get his wife off opium to no avail. This is, of course, while she accuses him of cheating on her with Josephine, even though they never have sex. If I were Wyatt I would have spent the entire movie screaming, "What did I do?" or "I totally said we shouldn't get involved." or "Seriously? You're blaming me?" No wonder he spends the second half of the movie capping more folks than The Punisher. I don't blame the guy for going all Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Dude was mad stressin'. Word.
You're A Daisy If You Do
So while Wyatt gets sand-bagged in his own flick, Doc steals the show with all the great lines and awesome gun moves. He's the Rerun, the Strong Bad, the Ed Norton of the whole movie. And I think this dynamic is hurting America. Yes, Doc Holiday's irresistible charisma and sparkling wit is ruining lives.
You see, if the position of second banana is where the true genius toils in the shadows, then that is where the true geniuses are gonna end up applying to work. That's where society has told them to go. In a world where the best people are fighting for number two spots, duos wind up end up with terrible, under qualified folks at the leader position. Doesn't a particular U.S president come to "mind" ? Highlight below to see who I'm talking about.
Why write "Bush" when you already assumed I was going to write it? What does it mean that you immediately thought about him? Is it more to do with your perception of the media coverage around him, his actual qualifications and performance, or how you understand my personal politics? Interesting, no?
And who would want to be Luke when they can be Han Solo? Luke loses a hand, gets yelled at by a muppet, and accidentally makes out with his sister. Han gets the girl, the cool lines, and Chewbacca. Here's the two options: fight tough mental, spiritual, and physical battles with dad, or do the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs in the sweetest ride in the galaxy. Oh yeah, tough choice.
Maybe Poker's Just Not Your Game, Ike, I Know, Let's Have A Spelling Contest
The hero of today is unappreciated. The man/woman/talking dog that stands behind him maybe funnier, but he's not taking the lumps. No one blames the sidekick. No one blamed Quayle for the 90's recession, they blamed Bush. No one would have blamed Barney for a Mayberry crime spree, they would have blamed Andy. But alas our current system is to build the folks up and then tear them down. Just look at bum-turned-media darling Ted Williams. In the span of a week he was discovered, declared awesome, given a job, and then accused of being degenerate drunk incapable of help. All in a week. A week!
Culture is moving faster and faster. Epic poems are 140 characters long. Civilizations are grown, applauded, and then torn down hourly on game servers. Books downloaded, read, critiqued, and deleted before finishing a Facebook status that reads "Stephen King is overrated". And the kids on the rollercoaster, drunk on the possibility of life, cry ,"Faster! Faster still!"
I'm Your Huckleberry
And the only thing that can stop the encroaching madness. Except maybe a hero. Someone who can stand for what is decent and good. Someone incorruptible. Someone who will face the bullets and darts of non-believers and the jealous. Someone of energy and power. A true hero.
And they need to call me so I can be their wise ass sidekick.
Until Next I Blog,
James
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Week 19: The Goonies
Dear Avid Reader,
Life's pretty awesome when you're blogging about movies. So maybe everyone should blog about movies with me.
Or they should start paying me and then they can feel like they're a part of mine.
First You Gotta Do The Truffle Shuffle
Folks my age have searched in abandoned school rooms, attics, basements, wooded areas near their childhood home, and a bunch of other places. All of them looking for one thing...treasure. The Goonies is to blame for that. I even recently spoke with a friend about how we both looked all over our house hoping to find some long forgotten "rich stuff". Yes, adult men, with mortgages, looking for buried treasure.
But rather than shake our angry fist at The Goonies for brainwashing us, we spent the afternoon throwing ninja stars at a tree in my front yard. No seriously.
Give Me A Nice Wet Lickery Kiss
Then I realized something, if my 13 year-old-self (m13yos) could see me now, he'd would freaking flip out. I live with my wife, at a house that we own, where we share adult relations. This alone would cause m13yos to determine he would become a successful adult. But wait, my inner child, there is more.
I can listen to whatever album I want because of Rhapsody and the same for films/TV with Netflix. I carry the most advanced technology in human history in my pocket via the iPhone. I own a bunch of sweet vynil records. I drive where ever I want. I have two cool pet cats at the house. I can play the guitar a little. I still play video games, and on a wireless controller no less. Throwing ninja stars in the front yard this weekend only tops things off. And I was getting pretty good at it when it started getting dark. No, I was getting REALLY good.
M13yos's reaction to my current life has cause me to have a realization, I have become a personal success. M13yos would have totally been high-fiving m31yos this weekend. And that's when I decided that I was going to be happy for the rest of my life.
Pinchers of Peril, Saved By My Pinchers Of Peril
Now the scenario that I am going through is starting to sound like a different movie. Specifically, the Bruce Willis joint The Kid. Only now do I realize how genius that movie is. Because for a while there, I started trying to set my bar for success by some crazy adult standard. What the heck was I thinking? Why not look back to what I wanted when I first conceived of a future for myself? Using that first ruler, I have achieved everything. So I'm gonna go with the m13yos ruler rather than some other society generated one. Screw your ruler society!
This seems like too much of an upper compared to my bummer posts, but what the heck. Use a different ruler! Quit trying to be the ruler of my ruler. I'm gonna stop saying "ruler"....now.
Down Here, It's Our Time, It's Our Time Down Here
I wonder if as I age I will grow to appreciate awesome-ness less and less. Is being really awesome only for the young? I don't think so. I think that the understanding of awesome-ness we enjoy is only a recent phenomenon. Technology is helping man unlock the potential that awesome-ness has in store for mankind. And breakthroughs are happening all the time.
But the final achievement will be allowing all people and all nations to be cool. I think the problem is cool is an expensive thing. Can the cash-strapped afford coolness? I think not. And to those that would try and point out how some poor folks are cool, I say to them that the poor of America are considered rich in the rest of the world. I'm talking the "only a handful of rice a week" poor. I hope those people who questioned me feel terrible right now.
Follow Them Size Fives
Once we can have hipster subsets in the population of Somalia, there will be no more pirate attacks. Teaching the people of Myanmar how to strike a match with one hand will bring peace to the region. I dream of a day when the children of New Guinea can recite the code for infinite lives in Contra while they wear snarky t-shirts featuring lolcats. No babies will die on that day.
And the reason we need to work for global coolness (which has nothing to do with climate change...maybe) is that it means everyone has their needs met. Frivolous culture that is endlessly dissected can only happen when you don't have to worry about food and shelter. There's no way I know all the words to Antoine Dodson's Bed Intruder if I had to actually think about where my next meal was coming from.
This Was My Dream, My Wish, And It Didn't Come True
So I pray that everyone joins me in this fight against worldwide lameness/poverty. Not sure how this turned into a cause, but I'm sure I will flake out and not do anything real to help anything.
I mean, that's what m13yos would do. He's kind of an a-hole that way.
Until Next I Blog,
James
Life's pretty awesome when you're blogging about movies. So maybe everyone should blog about movies with me.
Or they should start paying me and then they can feel like they're a part of mine.
First You Gotta Do The Truffle Shuffle
Folks my age have searched in abandoned school rooms, attics, basements, wooded areas near their childhood home, and a bunch of other places. All of them looking for one thing...treasure. The Goonies is to blame for that. I even recently spoke with a friend about how we both looked all over our house hoping to find some long forgotten "rich stuff". Yes, adult men, with mortgages, looking for buried treasure.
But rather than shake our angry fist at The Goonies for brainwashing us, we spent the afternoon throwing ninja stars at a tree in my front yard. No seriously.
Give Me A Nice Wet Lickery Kiss
Then I realized something, if my 13 year-old-self (m13yos) could see me now, he'd would freaking flip out. I live with my wife, at a house that we own, where we share adult relations. This alone would cause m13yos to determine he would become a successful adult. But wait, my inner child, there is more.
I can listen to whatever album I want because of Rhapsody and the same for films/TV with Netflix. I carry the most advanced technology in human history in my pocket via the iPhone. I own a bunch of sweet vynil records. I drive where ever I want. I have two cool pet cats at the house. I can play the guitar a little. I still play video games, and on a wireless controller no less. Throwing ninja stars in the front yard this weekend only tops things off. And I was getting pretty good at it when it started getting dark. No, I was getting REALLY good.
M13yos's reaction to my current life has cause me to have a realization, I have become a personal success. M13yos would have totally been high-fiving m31yos this weekend. And that's when I decided that I was going to be happy for the rest of my life.
Pinchers of Peril, Saved By My Pinchers Of Peril
Now the scenario that I am going through is starting to sound like a different movie. Specifically, the Bruce Willis joint The Kid. Only now do I realize how genius that movie is. Because for a while there, I started trying to set my bar for success by some crazy adult standard. What the heck was I thinking? Why not look back to what I wanted when I first conceived of a future for myself? Using that first ruler, I have achieved everything. So I'm gonna go with the m13yos ruler rather than some other society generated one. Screw your ruler society!
This seems like too much of an upper compared to my bummer posts, but what the heck. Use a different ruler! Quit trying to be the ruler of my ruler. I'm gonna stop saying "ruler"....now.
Down Here, It's Our Time, It's Our Time Down Here
I wonder if as I age I will grow to appreciate awesome-ness less and less. Is being really awesome only for the young? I don't think so. I think that the understanding of awesome-ness we enjoy is only a recent phenomenon. Technology is helping man unlock the potential that awesome-ness has in store for mankind. And breakthroughs are happening all the time.
But the final achievement will be allowing all people and all nations to be cool. I think the problem is cool is an expensive thing. Can the cash-strapped afford coolness? I think not. And to those that would try and point out how some poor folks are cool, I say to them that the poor of America are considered rich in the rest of the world. I'm talking the "only a handful of rice a week" poor. I hope those people who questioned me feel terrible right now.
Follow Them Size Fives
Once we can have hipster subsets in the population of Somalia, there will be no more pirate attacks. Teaching the people of Myanmar how to strike a match with one hand will bring peace to the region. I dream of a day when the children of New Guinea can recite the code for infinite lives in Contra while they wear snarky t-shirts featuring lolcats. No babies will die on that day.
And the reason we need to work for global coolness (which has nothing to do with climate change...maybe) is that it means everyone has their needs met. Frivolous culture that is endlessly dissected can only happen when you don't have to worry about food and shelter. There's no way I know all the words to Antoine Dodson's Bed Intruder if I had to actually think about where my next meal was coming from.
This Was My Dream, My Wish, And It Didn't Come True
So I pray that everyone joins me in this fight against worldwide lameness/poverty. Not sure how this turned into a cause, but I'm sure I will flake out and not do anything real to help anything.
I mean, that's what m13yos would do. He's kind of an a-hole that way.
Until Next I Blog,
James
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Week 18: Lost Boys
Dear Avid Reader,
Being cool is important. Maybe the most important thing in the world.
Well not literally, of course.
You Don't Have To Beat Me, Michael, You Just Have To Keep Up
The last few years have been huge for vampires. And I think vampires are behind the popularity surge. Yes, vampires exist, and they are savvy.
And the reason no one bats an eye at the vampire shadow empire is because vampires have evolved. They are next gen vamps. They have become...sexy.
Before Lost Boys, vampires were only portrayed as old dudes in old, aristocratic garb. Vamps sported that look from their discovery (1600's?) all the way through Blacula (blood...sucka!). But right there, in the 80's, boom! Teen vamps. Crazy right? It's makes so much sense now.
You're A Creature Of The Night Michael, Just Like Out Of A Comic Book
These new vampires introduce the plus side of being a creature of the night. They never grow old. Now vamps have always had this power, but The Lost Boys show that if you're gonna get stuck in an age, why not 22? Why get stuck at 53 like Dracula? Stay young and enjoy muscle saxophone music. That's how to do it!
There of course is a dark side to being stuck at a young age. You may also be saddled with teenage whiny-ness. Look no further than Team Edward for a prime example. But Edward has cause to be whiny. After all, he's stuck with hitting on high-school chicks. He can't have a mature relationship with one of these kids, but he also can go trolling the bars for divorcees. At least not any credible ones. So for all the eye-rolling about how lame Edward is, I say, "Walk a mile in his shoes".
Or not. I mean I understand. The dude is totally lame.
Maggots, Michael. You're Eating Maggots, How Do They Taste?
Immortality aside, this movie does make the case that vampires are supremely cool in the pantheon of monsters. They dress in the fashion of the day. They like amusement parks. They ride motorcycles. They like Jim Morrison. These cats are hip. Even grown-up Max has one of the coolest jobs of the era, video store owner. In The Lost Boys, finally, vampires are hip.
And that coolness plays out in all of the vampire works that followed. Young, fashionable, and bored equals vampire. They are the original hipsters. The formula is so ingrained that I think vampires can only turn folks that appear in American Apparel ads into new vamps. And only if you haven't voted. But if you have you can get an exemption if you can breakdance. I'm pretty sure this list of rules is legit.
Are You Freebasing, Michael? Inquiring Minds Want To Know
So vampires need to change that I think. Were are the nerd vampires? The fat vampires? When did it become a rule that vampires have to be hot? There has to be one vampire that partied to hard, and as the sun creeps up on him he grabs some dude on his way to work at the toll booth. So he jumps the toll-boother, starts drinking, but has to leave quickly because the sun is on it's way up. He drops the dude in his booth but gets his arm caught in the door. Some of his blood mingles with Ol' Tolly.
Tolly spends the day in the shade of his booth, crumpled beneath the glass, safe from the sun. As the evening arrives, he is able to head home to his wife. He tells her what happened, and they decide to live together as man and wife for eternity. They of course spend their nights volunteering at their church and getting there blood from criminals and the blood bank. With the house paid off, they have a lot of time during their retirement.
Initiation's Over, Michael, Time To Join The Club
But the vampire underworld catches wind of this. They could never allow a do-gooding, overweight couple to roam around vamping out. What would the werewolves think? They'd laugh their barking head off is what they'd do. So they declare a war against them, because even though they've lived for hundreds of years, they've never figured out how to end things peaceably.
But alas, the couple have many friends. An army of the homeless and regular church goers. The homeless use their knowledge of the streets to find the vampires lair. Many homeless lose their lives in the vampire's elaborate, booby-trapped maze but teh few that survive relay the location back to headquarters. And as the call to strike rings out from the fellowship hall of the Methodist church, vampires crash through the ceiling.
You'll Never Grow Old, Michael, And You'll Never Die, But You Must Feed
The battle is bloody and fierce. A mother of two, that keeps the church email list up to date, disembowels three night-crawlers with a decorative candelabra. The attendance deacon drives his orthopedic knee into the temple of a bloodsucker just before he is impaled on the leg of the communion table. And the entire Thursday morning women's group, Knit for the Needy, lures twelve vampires into the Butterfly classroom where the Children's Minster ignites the walls, decorated with depictions of heaven captured in yarn and glue, with a make-shift lighter and Lysol blow torch. No vampires escape the ensuing inferno.
Sadly the strength and numbers of the vampires overwhelm the old couple and their friends. But not before the vampires grow to admire to pluck and determination of their foes. Have they forgotten what they have learned over several lifetimes? Have they become empty vessels that can no longer feel pleasure? Do all vampires need to grow up?
They need something cause Twilight sucks.
Until Next I Blog,
James
Being cool is important. Maybe the most important thing in the world.
Well not literally, of course.
You Don't Have To Beat Me, Michael, You Just Have To Keep Up
The last few years have been huge for vampires. And I think vampires are behind the popularity surge. Yes, vampires exist, and they are savvy.
And the reason no one bats an eye at the vampire shadow empire is because vampires have evolved. They are next gen vamps. They have become...sexy.
Before Lost Boys, vampires were only portrayed as old dudes in old, aristocratic garb. Vamps sported that look from their discovery (1600's?) all the way through Blacula (blood...sucka!). But right there, in the 80's, boom! Teen vamps. Crazy right? It's makes so much sense now.
You're A Creature Of The Night Michael, Just Like Out Of A Comic Book
These new vampires introduce the plus side of being a creature of the night. They never grow old. Now vamps have always had this power, but The Lost Boys show that if you're gonna get stuck in an age, why not 22? Why get stuck at 53 like Dracula? Stay young and enjoy muscle saxophone music. That's how to do it!
There of course is a dark side to being stuck at a young age. You may also be saddled with teenage whiny-ness. Look no further than Team Edward for a prime example. But Edward has cause to be whiny. After all, he's stuck with hitting on high-school chicks. He can't have a mature relationship with one of these kids, but he also can go trolling the bars for divorcees. At least not any credible ones. So for all the eye-rolling about how lame Edward is, I say, "Walk a mile in his shoes".
Or not. I mean I understand. The dude is totally lame.
Maggots, Michael. You're Eating Maggots, How Do They Taste?
Immortality aside, this movie does make the case that vampires are supremely cool in the pantheon of monsters. They dress in the fashion of the day. They like amusement parks. They ride motorcycles. They like Jim Morrison. These cats are hip. Even grown-up Max has one of the coolest jobs of the era, video store owner. In The Lost Boys, finally, vampires are hip.
And that coolness plays out in all of the vampire works that followed. Young, fashionable, and bored equals vampire. They are the original hipsters. The formula is so ingrained that I think vampires can only turn folks that appear in American Apparel ads into new vamps. And only if you haven't voted. But if you have you can get an exemption if you can breakdance. I'm pretty sure this list of rules is legit.
Are You Freebasing, Michael? Inquiring Minds Want To Know
So vampires need to change that I think. Were are the nerd vampires? The fat vampires? When did it become a rule that vampires have to be hot? There has to be one vampire that partied to hard, and as the sun creeps up on him he grabs some dude on his way to work at the toll booth. So he jumps the toll-boother, starts drinking, but has to leave quickly because the sun is on it's way up. He drops the dude in his booth but gets his arm caught in the door. Some of his blood mingles with Ol' Tolly.
Tolly spends the day in the shade of his booth, crumpled beneath the glass, safe from the sun. As the evening arrives, he is able to head home to his wife. He tells her what happened, and they decide to live together as man and wife for eternity. They of course spend their nights volunteering at their church and getting there blood from criminals and the blood bank. With the house paid off, they have a lot of time during their retirement.
Initiation's Over, Michael, Time To Join The Club
But the vampire underworld catches wind of this. They could never allow a do-gooding, overweight couple to roam around vamping out. What would the werewolves think? They'd laugh their barking head off is what they'd do. So they declare a war against them, because even though they've lived for hundreds of years, they've never figured out how to end things peaceably.
But alas, the couple have many friends. An army of the homeless and regular church goers. The homeless use their knowledge of the streets to find the vampires lair. Many homeless lose their lives in the vampire's elaborate, booby-trapped maze but teh few that survive relay the location back to headquarters. And as the call to strike rings out from the fellowship hall of the Methodist church, vampires crash through the ceiling.
You'll Never Grow Old, Michael, And You'll Never Die, But You Must Feed
The battle is bloody and fierce. A mother of two, that keeps the church email list up to date, disembowels three night-crawlers with a decorative candelabra. The attendance deacon drives his orthopedic knee into the temple of a bloodsucker just before he is impaled on the leg of the communion table. And the entire Thursday morning women's group, Knit for the Needy, lures twelve vampires into the Butterfly classroom where the Children's Minster ignites the walls, decorated with depictions of heaven captured in yarn and glue, with a make-shift lighter and Lysol blow torch. No vampires escape the ensuing inferno.
Sadly the strength and numbers of the vampires overwhelm the old couple and their friends. But not before the vampires grow to admire to pluck and determination of their foes. Have they forgotten what they have learned over several lifetimes? Have they become empty vessels that can no longer feel pleasure? Do all vampires need to grow up?
They need something cause Twilight sucks.
Until Next I Blog,
James
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