Week 18: Lost Boys

Dear Avid Reader,

Being cool is important. Maybe the most important thing in the world.

Well not literally, of course.

You Don't Have To Beat Me, Michael, You Just Have To Keep Up

The last few years have been huge for vampires. And I think vampires are behind the popularity surge. Yes, vampires exist, and they are savvy.

And the reason no one bats an eye at the vampire shadow empire is because vampires have evolved. They are next gen vamps. They have become...sexy.

Before Lost Boys, vampires were only portrayed as old dudes in old, aristocratic garb. Vamps sported that look from their discovery (1600's?) all the way through Blacula (blood...sucka!). But right there, in the 80's, boom! Teen vamps. Crazy right? It's makes so much sense now.

You're A Creature Of The Night Michael, Just Like Out Of A Comic Book

These new vampires introduce the plus side of being a creature of the night. They never grow old. Now vamps have always had this power, but The Lost Boys show that if you're gonna get stuck in an age, why not 22? Why get stuck at 53 like Dracula? Stay young and enjoy muscle saxophone music. That's how to do it!

There of course is a dark side to being stuck at a young age. You may also be saddled with teenage whiny-ness. Look no further than Team Edward for a prime example. But Edward has cause to be whiny. After all, he's stuck with hitting on high-school chicks. He can't have a mature relationship with one of these kids, but he also can go trolling the bars for divorcees. At least not any credible ones. So for all the eye-rolling about how lame Edward is, I say, "Walk a mile in his shoes".

Or not. I mean I understand. The dude is totally lame.

Maggots, Michael. You're Eating Maggots, How Do They Taste?

Immortality aside, this movie does make the case that vampires are supremely cool in the pantheon of monsters. They dress in the fashion of the day. They like amusement parks. They ride motorcycles. They like Jim Morrison. These cats are hip. Even grown-up Max has one of the coolest jobs of the era, video store owner. In The Lost Boys, finally, vampires are hip.

And that coolness plays out in all of the vampire works that followed. Young, fashionable, and bored equals vampire. They are the original hipsters. The formula is so ingrained that I think vampires can only turn folks that appear in American Apparel ads into new vamps. And only if you haven't voted. But if you have you can get an exemption if you can breakdance. I'm pretty sure this list of rules is legit.

Are You Freebasing, Michael? Inquiring Minds Want To Know

So vampires need to change that I think. Were are the nerd vampires? The fat vampires? When did it become a rule that vampires have to be hot? There has to be one vampire that partied to hard, and as the sun creeps up on him he grabs some dude on his way to work at the toll booth. So he jumps the toll-boother, starts drinking, but has to leave quickly because the sun is on it's way up. He drops the dude in his booth but gets his arm caught in the door. Some of his blood mingles with Ol' Tolly.

Tolly spends the day in the shade of his booth, crumpled beneath the glass, safe from the sun. As the evening arrives, he is able to head home to his wife. He tells her what happened, and they decide to live together as man and wife for eternity. They of course spend their nights volunteering at their church and getting there blood from criminals and the blood bank. With the house paid off, they have a lot of time during their retirement.

Initiation's Over, Michael, Time To Join The Club

But the vampire underworld catches wind of this. They could never allow a do-gooding, overweight couple to roam around vamping out. What would the werewolves think? They'd laugh their barking head off is what they'd do. So they declare a war against them, because even though they've lived for hundreds of years, they've never figured out how to end things peaceably.

But alas, the couple have many friends. An army of the homeless and regular church goers. The homeless use their knowledge of the streets to find the vampires lair. Many homeless lose their lives in the vampire's elaborate, booby-trapped maze but teh few that survive relay the location back to headquarters. And as the call to strike rings out from the fellowship hall of the Methodist church, vampires crash through the ceiling.

You'll Never Grow Old, Michael, And You'll Never Die, But You Must Feed

The battle is bloody and fierce. A mother of two, that keeps the church email list up to date, disembowels three night-crawlers with a decorative candelabra. The attendance deacon drives his orthopedic knee into the temple of a bloodsucker just before he is impaled on the leg of the communion table. And the entire Thursday morning women's group, Knit for the Needy, lures twelve vampires into the Butterfly classroom where the Children's Minster ignites the walls, decorated with depictions of heaven captured in yarn and glue, with a make-shift lighter and Lysol blow torch. No vampires escape the ensuing inferno.

Sadly the strength and numbers of the vampires overwhelm the old couple and their friends. But not before the vampires grow to admire to pluck and determination of their foes. Have they forgotten what they have learned over several lifetimes? Have they become empty vessels that can no longer feel pleasure? Do all vampires need to grow up?

They need something cause Twilight sucks.

Until Next I Blog,

James