Week 20: Tombstone

Dear Avid Reader,

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You Look Like Somebody Just Walked Over Your Grave

There are two things about this movie. One is that it is an absolute train wreck. It really feels like it was slapped together. It took me like seven times to understand that Billy was a deputy of Behan. McMasters is hastily introduced and then killed. If the Cowboy Gang ran everything, and was getting money from all of Tombstone business, why rob a stagecoach (like the one Fabian was killed in)? It is just not a smooth ride.

But here's the other thing about the movie. It freaking rules.

I Have Two Guns, One For Each Of Ya

The reason it rules is obvious. Doc Effing Holiday. Val Kilmer's performance is clearly the reason this flick gets rewatched. But before getting too deep into how awesome Holiday is, I think it is important to reflect on how screwed Wyatt is in his own movie. He spends the entire first half of the movie turning down offers to become sheriff. He tells Virgil to not get involved and Morgan the same. And when he grudgingly joins up with them, Wyatt tries in vain to tell his brothers to let the Cowboys sleep off their drunken rage at the OK Corral. So of course when everything hits the fan, he gets blamed. "You just had to be so smart," spits Virgil's wife at Earp. What the heck lady?

And it doesn't stop there. Wyatt also tried to get his wife off opium to no avail. This is, of course, while she accuses him of cheating on her with Josephine, even though they never have sex. If I were Wyatt I would have spent the entire movie screaming, "What did I do?" or "I totally said we shouldn't get involved." or "Seriously? You're blaming me?" No wonder he spends the second half of the movie capping more folks than The Punisher. I don't blame the guy for going all Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Dude was mad stressin'. Word.

You're A Daisy If You Do

So while Wyatt gets sand-bagged in his own flick, Doc steals the show with all the great lines and awesome gun moves. He's the Rerun, the Strong Bad, the Ed Norton of the whole movie. And I think this dynamic is hurting America. Yes, Doc Holiday's irresistible charisma and sparkling wit is ruining lives.

You see, if the position of second banana is where the true genius toils in the shadows, then that is where the true geniuses are gonna end up applying to work. That's where society has told them to go. In a world where the best people are fighting for number two spots, duos wind up end up with terrible, under qualified folks at the leader position. Doesn't a particular U.S president come to "mind" ? Highlight below to see who I'm talking about.

Why write "Bush" when you already assumed I was going to write it? What does it mean that you immediately thought about him? Is it more to do with your perception of the media coverage around him, his actual qualifications and performance, or how you understand my personal politics? Interesting, no?

And who would want to be Luke when they can be Han Solo? Luke loses a hand, gets yelled at by a muppet, and accidentally makes out with his sister. Han gets the girl, the cool lines, and Chewbacca. Here's the two options: fight tough mental, spiritual, and physical battles with dad, or do the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs in the sweetest ride in the galaxy. Oh yeah, tough choice.

Maybe Poker's Just Not Your Game, Ike, I Know, Let's Have A Spelling Contest

The hero of today is unappreciated. The man/woman/talking dog that stands behind him maybe funnier, but he's not taking the lumps. No one blames the sidekick. No one blamed Quayle for the 90's recession, they blamed Bush. No one would have blamed Barney for a Mayberry crime spree, they would have blamed Andy. But alas our current system is to build the folks up and then tear them down. Just look at bum-turned-media darling Ted Williams. In the span of a week he was discovered, declared awesome, given a job, and then accused of being degenerate drunk incapable of help. All in a week. A week!

Culture is moving faster and faster. Epic poems are 140 characters long. Civilizations are grown, applauded, and then torn down hourly on game servers. Books downloaded, read, critiqued, and deleted before finishing a Facebook status that reads "Stephen King is overrated". And the kids on the rollercoaster, drunk on the possibility of life, cry ,"Faster! Faster still!"

I'm Your Huckleberry

And the only thing that can stop the encroaching madness. Except maybe a hero. Someone who can stand for what is decent and good. Someone incorruptible. Someone who will face the bullets and darts of non-believers and the jealous. Someone of energy and power. A true hero.

And they need to call me so I can be their wise ass sidekick.

Until Next I Blog,

James