Week 25: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Dear Avid Reader,

My readers come here for the dynamic insight into pop culture and crazy writing. And of course always I deliver.

Always.

Get ready to be served.

At The Late Night, Double Feature, Picture Show

The worst thing that happened in pop culture during the last few decades happened in the sub-genres that are referred to as "nerdy". Comics, video games, underground music, and et cetera. Typically they are children's hobbies that are still enjoyed ironically, or unironically, by adults. Usually unironically.

Now this isn't a treatise on how a scene was better "back when". I don't know. Maybe it is. I leave it to the reader to decide. But I am trying to at least avoid comparisons of quality. This is because I think movies, music, and the like are better than ever. I really do. But there has been a change that I cannot abide. And that will be our fifteen minutes traffic upon this blog. Anon!

Well You Got Caught With A Flat Well How 'Bout That

I went to my first live showing of Rocky Horror just recently. And before I tell you what happened, we are going to do some background about this flick and me. When I was in 5th-7th grade I rolled with some cool people. Now that I think about it, they were probably some of the most influential people on my early development.
(I realize right now that this is going to be more of a "diary" entry rather than a crazy writing experiment. I'm not sure how this will turn out, but I have high hopes. Back to the essay.)

Now I was really shy. Seriously. Very shy. So I was in the background of this group. The leader was Michael. The guy was a leader and what's more he knew it. The guy was basically an eleven-year-old dictator. He went to theatre classes and quickly moved to bring us into this world into ours. Monty Python was an early addition. Michael had bought the books, records, and everything. And we soon began to run lines during recess. Seriously, we ran the lines. Like we were about to go on stage after lunch. Seriously. No seriously, this really happened.

I'm A Wild And An Untamed Thing I'm A Bee With A Deadly Sting

I realize this was crazy now that I've grown up. But what did we know? We were kind of the weird outsider kids. If I played Wall-Ball, I was always targeted to get bombarded until I quit. Other playground equipment had been claimed by this group or the other. This insane, drama club was the only place that would have me. So I hunkered in and learned the lines to the Dead Parrot Sketch. Anything was better than getting pelted by a tennis ball.

These experiences began my love affair with the theatre and my hatred of bullies. i can't abide a bully. And to me bullies don't take lunch money. No, bullies are people who have dedicated themselves to excluding others. They are professional ostracizers. They want to dominate someone else. It's never material, it's social. I'd much rather be robbed than humiliated. Especially in middle school.

Being exiled has always been the ultimate punishment. To be cast out. And there is a certain romance associated with the outcast in the stories we like. It's as if the individual that doesn't belong is able to see a truth that is hidden from those that do. His isolation has allowed him some perspective. He is detached and can look at his own kind as a scientist would look at a maze of rats. And by using his outsider insight, the society can benefit from the outcast's years away. In a way, they did that guy a favor.

"Bullcrap," says the unwanted man, "And don't break your arm patting yourself on the back. Once I build a raft out of these trees, I'm paddling off this island and I'm burning down that crooked judge's house. I'll show you insight!"

Cards For Sorrow, Cards For Pain

Now one would think that the downtrodden dorks of the world would understand the pain of being picked on and you wouldn't have dork bullies. But sadly this is not the case. And the rise in incidents of dork-bullying is what has made some fun pop culture moments so terrible. Including my recent trip to see Rocky Horror.

By seventh grade Michael had decided that we should try and go to a live showing of Rocky Horror. Being that this was still pre-Internet, he had bought all of the books, albums, and other stuff he needed to train us in to a lean, mean, audience-participating' machine. The Time-Warp obstacle course took more than one life, but we honored their deaths with many toast-throwing toasts.

Mind you, he didn't buy the actual movie so as to let the first time we saw it was to be in the theatre. And we were all game. Again, you have to realize our situation. What were we going to do? Get tossed off a jungle gym for being weird or learn the words to Sweet Transvestite. Pass me the music sheet please.

Rose Tints My World And Keeps Me Safe From My Trouble And Pain

But as we got closer to actually going, Michael began to turn fanatical. The turning point came when he decided that we were going to dress up as the characters. He claimed the character of Riff-Raff (distressed butler uniform) for himself, and then began making pronouncements about the rest of us. Who would be Dr. Frank (had to wear lingerie) and Rocky (nothing but a gold bikini bottom) became his single focus and dominated conversations.

He outlawed dressing as Brad, I guess because that was too easy to just wear a tux. Eddie was up for grabs, but it seemed like it wasn't ideal. Someone could be Dr. Scott, but they had to find a wheelchair. Of course I had no idea where to get one so that was out. And we had no idea that the Criminologist even existed because Michael had assumed that all of his parts were being spoken by the Pair of Lips from the opening. We weren't quite the machine we had aspired to.

In the end parents were not on board with us going. We ended up watching the movie at someones house, participating in whatever capacity we could. But the ruthlessness of Michael during those planning days has always stuck with me. Rather than getting everyone to enjoy the flick, it became more and more like he was issuing orders. And it was obvious he enjoyed the thought of us being embarrassed. At some point he had realized he was king of the geek. It was only a matter of time until he began commanding his subjects.

Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul I Really Love That Rock And Roll

One might assume that this experience would cause me to hate Rocky Horror. But this is not the case. I love the movie. I really do. Rocky Horror is fun, crazy, excessive and really original. It's easy to see why there would be a cult following for it. And those recesses spent memorizing lyrics were also fun. Michael did cross the line, but only as he got worked into a fever pitch as the event became closer. For the most part, we had fun feeding off his enthusiasm. Just like with Monty Python.

See Michael touched on something that has become all too common in these weird little niche worlds of pop culture. Early on the outcasts found these little veins of music and film that no one else had discovered. And they began to mine them. Far away from the village, the exiles had to find new places to mine. And they found strange ores like Punk, B-Movies, and graphic novels. And as the village began to exhaust their deposits, the expanded and began to bump against the exiles. Of course the little hamlets that had been hastily constructed in the wilderness. Could they stand a chance again the armies of the many? The war of the mainstream and the underground had begun.

It easy for me to write the above paragraph because that is exactly how I felt for most of my adolescence. That cool stuff needed to be protected. The geeks finally had something that the popular people wanted and we'd all be damned if they were allowed to ever enjoy it. I'm not sure who came up with the plan to become uptight snobs, but it sure caught on. And it sure convinced a lot of people.

But the plan to become so protective has back-fired. In our effort to punish those that first threw us out of the warmth of inclusion, we have started to ruin the things that we love. If an individual says they like "indie music", the impulse to roll one's eyes is staggering. These rare jewels that were so glittering when first brought to the surface are now considered tarnished. Tacky. Nerd is now short hand for pretentious. And I for won't don't blame anyone for thinking that.

Don't Dream It, Be It

This snobbishness is what happened to me at the live showing of Rocky Horror. I saw a group of people going through the motions. No joy. No fun. This was their way of indicating how much smarter they were because they knew when to throw the toilet paper. What was once a shelter that was built warm the excluded had turned into a fortress to fend off invaders. A theatre full of people paid ten bucks to be bullied by twenty nerds.

Soon, though, soon the older nerds will die off or move on. The memory of being exiled will lost. I envision a world were it is impossible to feel excluded. Even the Rocky live shows will change into the bubbly events they once were. It's already happening now. And it's wonderful.

And when that day comes, we will all dance the Time-Warp...together.

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 24: Airplane!

Dear Avid Reader,

Two Strangers On A Plane. The are completely unassuming except the gentleman has no body save for his head and the lady is a very attractive blond that is also a cyborg-mermaid.

And Leon Is Getting Larger

Gentleman: Looks like there's gonna be rain when we land.

Lady: Excuse me?

Gentleman: There's rain in Boulder. Rain tomorrow too. You live in Boulder?

Lady: Oh no. Just visiting.

Gentleman: Oh.

It Happened To Barbara Stanwyck

(The plane begins it's ascent into the swirling clouds)

Gentleman: Who are you visiting? In Boulder?

Lady: It's a wedding. My sister's.

Gentleman: Oh that's wonderful. Just wonderful. I love weddings.

Lady: Hmmm.

Gentleman: I'm Tom. Tom York. I'm headed back home after a work trip in Baltimore. Or was it Jacksonville?

Lady: What work do you do?

Gentleman: Exotic Dancer. Been doing it for 3 years. Just coming home from the national conference.

Lady: Interesting.

Gentleman: Before that I was a Citrus Fruit Dyer. That's what my father and his father him did. But I just had this itch to get out and see the world. It's hard, but worthwhile.

Lady: Hmmm.

There's A Sale At Penny's

(The plane finds it's cruising altitude and turns off the seatbelt sign)

Gentleman: What do you do?

Lady: I boil human hair for use in wigs. I also train crocodiles. I'd like to train crocs full time, but with the economy and dynamite rain...

Gentleman: I hear ya. It's tough out there.

Lady: I'm Carol by the way.

Gentleman: It's to meet you Carol. You fly often?

Lady: Rarely. I think I've flown twice in the last year. For my other sister's wedding and then to escape the overgrown beaver that destroyed the castle I was living in.

Gentleman: How was your other sister's wedding.

Lady: Beautiful. It was suspended above a bathtub of pit vipers while we all played Game Boys. She's very traditional.

Gentleman: That's the way it should be. The computer that decides what clothes I wear is super traditional.

Lady: Oh that reminds me that I need to pick up cave diapers. Mine were all destroyed during the beaver incident. (sniff) It was a very difficult time:

(Gentleman wipes her tears away with revolver)

Gentleman: There there. it will be alright.

Lady: Thank you. Look at me. Making a fool of myself in front of a total stranger.

Gentleman: Yes. Yes you are.

Why I Can Make A Hat Or A Brooch Or A Pterodactyl

(The plane rumbles through some mild turbulence.)

Lady: Is it hard to be away from your family during these trips?

Gentleman: It is. My wife and my tree wife are the center of my life right now. And it being harvest at the clenched fist, well, you can imagine I need to hurry home.

Lady: That's so nice. My father worked a catastrophe orchard and sand Mp3 files. My fondest memories are of my times burning the houses down.

Gentleman: Yes, (sniff) it is a wonderful world. Look now you are spreading the fool all around this cabin.

Lady: We are certainly a pear.

How About Mister Rogers?

(The cockpit explodes and the cabin plummets to the ground from 37,000 feet.)

Lady: Oh just my luck. And right before the in-flight too.

Gentleman: It was Airplane. That funny movie. Have you seen it before?

Lady: Oh yes. I love that movie. Don't you think it's interesting that it is still fresh after all these years.

Gentleman: I know. It's a spoof. You'd think the humor would seem very dated, but it doesn't. The only bad thing about it is how you can trace the line from it to those awful spoof movies you see now. Like Scary Movie, or Epic Movie...

Lady: Oh, I do hate those movies. But Airplane. I remember seeing it when I was very young, but those images stuck with me. Like the "drinking problem" gag or when the kid's I.V. gets unplugged. At this point they aren't even funny parts of the movie because they are such an integral part of my memories.

Gentleman: For me it's the zaniness of Johnny. His non-sequiturs, right out of left field. I love that kind of humor.

Lady: Well, it has been nice talking with you Tom.

Gentleman: You too Carol.

Lady: Maybe you could bring the family to the wedding. You know. My sister's.

Gentleman: I think that would be lovely.

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 23: Groundhog Day

Dear Avid Reader,

A groundhog, a beetle, and a horse. Stone cold chillin'.

Well, What If There Is No Tomorrow? There Wasn't One Today.

Horse: Here's what I wanted to say. I just think it's pretty sweet to have a day that belongs to you. It's like a big deal.

Groundhog: Hardly. They wake me up, early mind you, and hoist me up while a bunch of rubes stand there slack-jawed demanding that I predict the future. I'm not freaking God!

Horse: Really? I mean I get a lot of play for being a horse. My power is a standard for the auto industry. They are always filming a western. The theft of me is a capital offense on some books still. But never my own day.

Groundhog: That stupid legend and that idiot Sonic are the worst things that ever happened to me.

They Used To Pull The Hog Out And They Used To Eat It. You're Hypocrites!

Horse: Isn't there a movie about Groundhog Day?

Groundhog: You have movies too. Seabiscuit, National Velvet, Secretariat, Horse Whisperer, freaking Black Beauty.

Horse: Yeah but those movies sucked. Groundhog Day was a great film.

Beetle: True that! Bill Murray rocks. You guys seen The Man Who Knew Too Little? Great flick. Totally underrated.

Groundhog: That Groundhog Day movie just further mythologized that moronic day. It created more buzz for the worst holiday on the calendar. The only day worse is April Fool's Day cause it basically gives d-bags a free pass.

Horse: I think it's truly an original work. I think they captured a common fantasy that most people have. To get a second chance. To get to live a day over and get it right.

Beetle: True that! That would rule.

Groundhog: Would it? I mean let's say Phil in the movies never breaks free. Would the next logical thing for him to start doing is the really bad stuff? Wouldn't he crack and start using heroin? Or killing people? Would he become addicted to these things? Is there such a thing as mental addiction and is it stronger than physical addiction?

Horse: That's dark.

Beetle: Way dark. And way METAL!

Anything Different Is Good

Horse: Groundhog Day shouldn't be thought of in those terms. Look at the broader impact of that movie. It's like "It's A Wonderful Life". It has created a short-hand for an entire story. If I say, "It's like Gift of the Magi" you know immediately what I'm talking about.

Groundhog: Yeah but, did you know in the military having a "groundhog day" means unchanging, terrible conditions? I looked that up on Wikipedia.

Beetle: Oh yeah! Wikipedia burn! Wikipedia rules.

Horse: Be that as it may, I think that just strengthens my point. That this movie achieves what the greatest artworks achieve. Permeation into the culture. You must understand this work in order to understand the greater conversation of the society.

Groundhog: How did we get here? Weren't we originally talking about our current legacies in the culture based on humanity's arbitrary decisions? Like why did they choose me to decide on the weather forecast? How did those two things ever become connected? It's stupid.

Beetle: It originated from the German custom of Candelmas dating all the way back to 1841. The emphasis was more on the cloudiness of the day rather than the groundhog. The sunnier the day, the longer the winter. The cloudier, the shorter.

Groundhog: What?

Beetle: Wikipedia on my iPhone for the win! Let's go get drunk!

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 22: Back To The Future

Dear Avid Reader,

A bespectacled, 30-foot, green, scaly dragon enters his cave and sits on his couch, weary from work. His roommate, a 5' 9", scrawny man wearing a threadbare knit cap and Limp Bizkit t-shirt, enters from his room and sits next to the dragon.

This is their story. It's not mine.

Weight Has Nothing To Do With It

Bro-seph: Sup bra. Just get off work?

Dragon: Yeah. It's been a brutal day.

B: F*****g hear you son. Work sucks.

D: Yeah.

(Dragon turns on TV, checks over his recorded shows)

D: Oh, Back to the Future. I love this movie.

B: Huh. Haven't seen it in like forever. F*****g play it dude. Work doesn't start for like a half an hour.

D: Alright. Here we go.

And Jack Benny Is Secretary Of The Treasury

(Minutes Pass)

B: His band sucks.

D: Marty's? The Pinheads?

B: Yeah. What the f*** kinda song was that?

D: I think it was just the riff from Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News.

B: It sucks.

D: You know, Huey decided to do the music for this movie after Ray Parker Jr. allegedly ripped the song Ghostbusters off of I Want a New Drug.

B: Hell yeah. I'd totally rip this s*** off and make some serious bank. I'm totally starting my band back up.

D: I'm sure there are plenty of directors that are looking for Huey Lewis inspired covers for their projects.

B: F*** yeah. Kick a**.

What The Hell Is A Gigawatt?

(Minutes Pass)

B: That doctor dude is a s****y shot.

D: Doc Brown? He's probably a little nervous because the Libyans have AK's.

B: Phst. Whatevah. If those a****les started shooting at me, I'd f*****g blow their heads off. Dude's dealing with terrorists and he's only carrying a f*****g revolver? Gotta represent!

D: Aren't you late for work?

B: Nah, I can stay for a while. It doesn't get busy until like seven.

Calvin Klein? It's Written All Over Your Underwear

(Minutes Pass. Bro-Seph steps out of his room wearing his work uniform.)

B: Alright, what'd I miss?

D: It's the night of the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. Marty and his mom are parked and waiting for George.

B: Cool.

(Pause)

B: Damn she's hot.

D: Yeah?

B: I'd totally hit that. If I was him, I'd be all over it.

D: It's his mom.

B: So. You can't be passing that up.

D: You are gross.

B: You're telling me that you wouldn't hit that.

D: Absolutely not. If I knew it was my mother, I couldn't possibly bring myself to try anything sexual with her.

B: P***y.

D: Why do you do this? Why do you always try and ruin things for me. Since you went into your room to get changed, I've been having a great time. I began to reflect on how as we age, we forget how free and energetic our youth was. When we first meet Marty's mom, she is restrictive, and when we see her as a teenager, she is uninhibited. It's completely understandable and natural to try and protect your children from the mistakes you've made, but on the other hand it is totally hypocritical and foolish. And this dynamic is explored in this very light movie. Don't you ever think about things like that?

B: Whatever. You would totally nail her.

Are You Telling Me That This Sucker Is Nuclear?

(Minutes Pass. The final scene ends. Credits roll.)

B: What? That's it? What happens to them?

D: That's all covered in the other two movies.

B: That blows. Did you record the other ones?

D: Maybe, let me check.

B: Nah forget it, I'm late already.

D: Too bad. I will miss your insight as I watch the other two.

B: If they are like this one, then I don't want to watch them.

D: You don't like Back to the Future?

B: Hell no. The music sucks, there's no sex, and it's boring.

D: I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is an American classic. I thought everyone loved this movie.

B:Everyone that's a p***y.

D: Just go. Leave. Go to work. Stop ruining the things I love.

B: Later.

D: God I have to find another place to live.

Until Next I Blog,

James