Week 24: Airplane!

Dear Avid Reader,

Two Strangers On A Plane. The are completely unassuming except the gentleman has no body save for his head and the lady is a very attractive blond that is also a cyborg-mermaid.

And Leon Is Getting Larger

Gentleman: Looks like there's gonna be rain when we land.

Lady: Excuse me?

Gentleman: There's rain in Boulder. Rain tomorrow too. You live in Boulder?

Lady: Oh no. Just visiting.

Gentleman: Oh.

It Happened To Barbara Stanwyck

(The plane begins it's ascent into the swirling clouds)

Gentleman: Who are you visiting? In Boulder?

Lady: It's a wedding. My sister's.

Gentleman: Oh that's wonderful. Just wonderful. I love weddings.

Lady: Hmmm.

Gentleman: I'm Tom. Tom York. I'm headed back home after a work trip in Baltimore. Or was it Jacksonville?

Lady: What work do you do?

Gentleman: Exotic Dancer. Been doing it for 3 years. Just coming home from the national conference.

Lady: Interesting.

Gentleman: Before that I was a Citrus Fruit Dyer. That's what my father and his father him did. But I just had this itch to get out and see the world. It's hard, but worthwhile.

Lady: Hmmm.

There's A Sale At Penny's

(The plane finds it's cruising altitude and turns off the seatbelt sign)

Gentleman: What do you do?

Lady: I boil human hair for use in wigs. I also train crocodiles. I'd like to train crocs full time, but with the economy and dynamite rain...

Gentleman: I hear ya. It's tough out there.

Lady: I'm Carol by the way.

Gentleman: It's to meet you Carol. You fly often?

Lady: Rarely. I think I've flown twice in the last year. For my other sister's wedding and then to escape the overgrown beaver that destroyed the castle I was living in.

Gentleman: How was your other sister's wedding.

Lady: Beautiful. It was suspended above a bathtub of pit vipers while we all played Game Boys. She's very traditional.

Gentleman: That's the way it should be. The computer that decides what clothes I wear is super traditional.

Lady: Oh that reminds me that I need to pick up cave diapers. Mine were all destroyed during the beaver incident. (sniff) It was a very difficult time:

(Gentleman wipes her tears away with revolver)

Gentleman: There there. it will be alright.

Lady: Thank you. Look at me. Making a fool of myself in front of a total stranger.

Gentleman: Yes. Yes you are.

Why I Can Make A Hat Or A Brooch Or A Pterodactyl

(The plane rumbles through some mild turbulence.)

Lady: Is it hard to be away from your family during these trips?

Gentleman: It is. My wife and my tree wife are the center of my life right now. And it being harvest at the clenched fist, well, you can imagine I need to hurry home.

Lady: That's so nice. My father worked a catastrophe orchard and sand Mp3 files. My fondest memories are of my times burning the houses down.

Gentleman: Yes, (sniff) it is a wonderful world. Look now you are spreading the fool all around this cabin.

Lady: We are certainly a pear.

How About Mister Rogers?

(The cockpit explodes and the cabin plummets to the ground from 37,000 feet.)

Lady: Oh just my luck. And right before the in-flight too.

Gentleman: It was Airplane. That funny movie. Have you seen it before?

Lady: Oh yes. I love that movie. Don't you think it's interesting that it is still fresh after all these years.

Gentleman: I know. It's a spoof. You'd think the humor would seem very dated, but it doesn't. The only bad thing about it is how you can trace the line from it to those awful spoof movies you see now. Like Scary Movie, or Epic Movie...

Lady: Oh, I do hate those movies. But Airplane. I remember seeing it when I was very young, but those images stuck with me. Like the "drinking problem" gag or when the kid's I.V. gets unplugged. At this point they aren't even funny parts of the movie because they are such an integral part of my memories.

Gentleman: For me it's the zaniness of Johnny. His non-sequiturs, right out of left field. I love that kind of humor.

Lady: Well, it has been nice talking with you Tom.

Gentleman: You too Carol.

Lady: Maybe you could bring the family to the wedding. You know. My sister's.

Gentleman: I think that would be lovely.

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 23: Groundhog Day

Dear Avid Reader,

A groundhog, a beetle, and a horse. Stone cold chillin'.

Well, What If There Is No Tomorrow? There Wasn't One Today.

Horse: Here's what I wanted to say. I just think it's pretty sweet to have a day that belongs to you. It's like a big deal.

Groundhog: Hardly. They wake me up, early mind you, and hoist me up while a bunch of rubes stand there slack-jawed demanding that I predict the future. I'm not freaking God!

Horse: Really? I mean I get a lot of play for being a horse. My power is a standard for the auto industry. They are always filming a western. The theft of me is a capital offense on some books still. But never my own day.

Groundhog: That stupid legend and that idiot Sonic are the worst things that ever happened to me.

They Used To Pull The Hog Out And They Used To Eat It. You're Hypocrites!

Horse: Isn't there a movie about Groundhog Day?

Groundhog: You have movies too. Seabiscuit, National Velvet, Secretariat, Horse Whisperer, freaking Black Beauty.

Horse: Yeah but those movies sucked. Groundhog Day was a great film.

Beetle: True that! Bill Murray rocks. You guys seen The Man Who Knew Too Little? Great flick. Totally underrated.

Groundhog: That Groundhog Day movie just further mythologized that moronic day. It created more buzz for the worst holiday on the calendar. The only day worse is April Fool's Day cause it basically gives d-bags a free pass.

Horse: I think it's truly an original work. I think they captured a common fantasy that most people have. To get a second chance. To get to live a day over and get it right.

Beetle: True that! That would rule.

Groundhog: Would it? I mean let's say Phil in the movies never breaks free. Would the next logical thing for him to start doing is the really bad stuff? Wouldn't he crack and start using heroin? Or killing people? Would he become addicted to these things? Is there such a thing as mental addiction and is it stronger than physical addiction?

Horse: That's dark.

Beetle: Way dark. And way METAL!

Anything Different Is Good

Horse: Groundhog Day shouldn't be thought of in those terms. Look at the broader impact of that movie. It's like "It's A Wonderful Life". It has created a short-hand for an entire story. If I say, "It's like Gift of the Magi" you know immediately what I'm talking about.

Groundhog: Yeah but, did you know in the military having a "groundhog day" means unchanging, terrible conditions? I looked that up on Wikipedia.

Beetle: Oh yeah! Wikipedia burn! Wikipedia rules.

Horse: Be that as it may, I think that just strengthens my point. That this movie achieves what the greatest artworks achieve. Permeation into the culture. You must understand this work in order to understand the greater conversation of the society.

Groundhog: How did we get here? Weren't we originally talking about our current legacies in the culture based on humanity's arbitrary decisions? Like why did they choose me to decide on the weather forecast? How did those two things ever become connected? It's stupid.

Beetle: It originated from the German custom of Candelmas dating all the way back to 1841. The emphasis was more on the cloudiness of the day rather than the groundhog. The sunnier the day, the longer the winter. The cloudier, the shorter.

Groundhog: What?

Beetle: Wikipedia on my iPhone for the win! Let's go get drunk!

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 22: Back To The Future

Dear Avid Reader,

A bespectacled, 30-foot, green, scaly dragon enters his cave and sits on his couch, weary from work. His roommate, a 5' 9", scrawny man wearing a threadbare knit cap and Limp Bizkit t-shirt, enters from his room and sits next to the dragon.

This is their story. It's not mine.

Weight Has Nothing To Do With It

Bro-seph: Sup bra. Just get off work?

Dragon: Yeah. It's been a brutal day.

B: F*****g hear you son. Work sucks.

D: Yeah.

(Dragon turns on TV, checks over his recorded shows)

D: Oh, Back to the Future. I love this movie.

B: Huh. Haven't seen it in like forever. F*****g play it dude. Work doesn't start for like a half an hour.

D: Alright. Here we go.

And Jack Benny Is Secretary Of The Treasury

(Minutes Pass)

B: His band sucks.

D: Marty's? The Pinheads?

B: Yeah. What the f*** kinda song was that?

D: I think it was just the riff from Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News.

B: It sucks.

D: You know, Huey decided to do the music for this movie after Ray Parker Jr. allegedly ripped the song Ghostbusters off of I Want a New Drug.

B: Hell yeah. I'd totally rip this s*** off and make some serious bank. I'm totally starting my band back up.

D: I'm sure there are plenty of directors that are looking for Huey Lewis inspired covers for their projects.

B: F*** yeah. Kick a**.

What The Hell Is A Gigawatt?

(Minutes Pass)

B: That doctor dude is a s****y shot.

D: Doc Brown? He's probably a little nervous because the Libyans have AK's.

B: Phst. Whatevah. If those a****les started shooting at me, I'd f*****g blow their heads off. Dude's dealing with terrorists and he's only carrying a f*****g revolver? Gotta represent!

D: Aren't you late for work?

B: Nah, I can stay for a while. It doesn't get busy until like seven.

Calvin Klein? It's Written All Over Your Underwear

(Minutes Pass. Bro-Seph steps out of his room wearing his work uniform.)

B: Alright, what'd I miss?

D: It's the night of the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. Marty and his mom are parked and waiting for George.

B: Cool.

(Pause)

B: Damn she's hot.

D: Yeah?

B: I'd totally hit that. If I was him, I'd be all over it.

D: It's his mom.

B: So. You can't be passing that up.

D: You are gross.

B: You're telling me that you wouldn't hit that.

D: Absolutely not. If I knew it was my mother, I couldn't possibly bring myself to try anything sexual with her.

B: P***y.

D: Why do you do this? Why do you always try and ruin things for me. Since you went into your room to get changed, I've been having a great time. I began to reflect on how as we age, we forget how free and energetic our youth was. When we first meet Marty's mom, she is restrictive, and when we see her as a teenager, she is uninhibited. It's completely understandable and natural to try and protect your children from the mistakes you've made, but on the other hand it is totally hypocritical and foolish. And this dynamic is explored in this very light movie. Don't you ever think about things like that?

B: Whatever. You would totally nail her.

Are You Telling Me That This Sucker Is Nuclear?

(Minutes Pass. The final scene ends. Credits roll.)

B: What? That's it? What happens to them?

D: That's all covered in the other two movies.

B: That blows. Did you record the other ones?

D: Maybe, let me check.

B: Nah forget it, I'm late already.

D: Too bad. I will miss your insight as I watch the other two.

B: If they are like this one, then I don't want to watch them.

D: You don't like Back to the Future?

B: Hell no. The music sucks, there's no sex, and it's boring.

D: I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is an American classic. I thought everyone loved this movie.

B:Everyone that's a p***y.

D: Just go. Leave. Go to work. Stop ruining the things I love.

B: Later.

D: God I have to find another place to live.

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 21: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Dear Avid Reader,

In Robot Voice: Blog Transmission Complete. Uploading To Brain Sequence Initiated.

Processing...

Why Would We Lie To Ourselves?

If someone with a had a time machine, he would probably have a lab coat on. I guess he would also probably be a man because I used "he" instead of "she" to describe the person. I guess that is sexist, but what can you do. People who work on theoretically impossible projects are typically men. At least that is what studies show.

Before stepping into the time machine the lab-coated gentleman would explain to the subject he wanted to transport the dangers of walking around in a different time. The subject should avoid any disruptions to the timeline. It would have catastrophic consequences. The subject might wonder aloud why they should even be attempting this. The scientist might mutter under his breath something about the subject sounding just like the fools at the university he used to work at. And also how unfair is was that the subject's gender was never mentioned in this paragraph.

The Only True Wisdom Consists In Knowing That You Know Nothing

Time travel would be tricky. No doubt. I assume most folks would want time travel in order to change something in their past. Something that they wished never happened, something they wish they had pursued, maybe even avert some disaster. I used to work with a guy who legitimately believed that 9/11 and the JFK assassination were perpetrated by time travelers that were preventing World War III. This is real. This guy exists. And why they didn't stop World War II also bothers me. I guess the people of the future are Holocaust deniers.

That Conversation Made More Sense This Time

Unfortunately changing the past always has unintended consequences. But Bill & Ted don't really worry about these problems. And the problems of time travel never happen. Lincoln doesn't get put back in his own time and lose the Civil War. Beethoven doesn't die from a disease from his future that his body can't fight. Sigmund Freud doesn't stop doing cocaine. And I think this is really what people should want from time travel. Basically, time travel tourism.

I think I fantasize about where to visit more than things I would want to change. I'd like to see Chamberlin's 100 point game. Martin Luther nailing the 99 Thesis on the church door. The first Guttenberg Bible coming off the press. Cool stuff like that. Why try and tell the fifteen year-old version of yourself that they should change their college major? I'd probably just think I was another adult to defy. Unless I bought him beer or something. Then I (15 year-old me) would think I (31 year-old me) was cool.

Be Excellent To Each Other

I think a lot about trying to change things. But it is always coupled with a fear that I would end up unraveling something that I love by accident. Like If I were looking for a new job, if I got one, what would I miss about the one I have now? It will probably be something I am not even aware of. Like the chairs.

The chairs? Really? Well I guess maybe. Chairs. Hmmmm.

You Are Dealing With The Oddity Of Time Travel With The Greatest Of Ease

I'm not sure of the strength of this essay. I feel like the weekly writing is starting to expose the limits of my creativity. Like I'm finally scraping the bottom of the barrel. Right now I would like to go into the future and see if I am going to write a better essay next week so I can feel better about mailing it in right now. But I think traveling forward would be the worst thing to do. That would ruin the best part of this project and that is actually writing them. The outcome should be the least of my concerns.

The feeling after running is the best. Relief. Accomplishment. Knowledge. Energy. But that feeling is so temporary. The same is for this blog. I gear up to do it and then once I finish, I feel great. But when it comes time to do the next one, it feels like the ideas won't come. Like the hill I just ran last week got taller. How can the hill keep getting bigger?

Everything Is Different, But The Same... Bigger, And Yet Smaller

And maybe that is what time travel is. A desire to not have to climb the hill. Rather, the traveler can just go back and tell himself to not do the regretful act. Screw the damage to the space-time continuum! I want to not feel regret!

It's sad. That's why Bill and Ted had it right. Time travel should only be used to help with homework.

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 20: Tombstone

Dear Avid Reader,

Blog blog bloggity blog. Bloggity blog blog, blog blog blog blog.

Blog blog blog. Blog.

You Look Like Somebody Just Walked Over Your Grave

There are two things about this movie. One is that it is an absolute train wreck. It really feels like it was slapped together. It took me like seven times to understand that Billy was a deputy of Behan. McMasters is hastily introduced and then killed. If the Cowboy Gang ran everything, and was getting money from all of Tombstone business, why rob a stagecoach (like the one Fabian was killed in)? It is just not a smooth ride.

But here's the other thing about the movie. It freaking rules.

I Have Two Guns, One For Each Of Ya

The reason it rules is obvious. Doc Effing Holiday. Val Kilmer's performance is clearly the reason this flick gets rewatched. But before getting too deep into how awesome Holiday is, I think it is important to reflect on how screwed Wyatt is in his own movie. He spends the entire first half of the movie turning down offers to become sheriff. He tells Virgil to not get involved and Morgan the same. And when he grudgingly joins up with them, Wyatt tries in vain to tell his brothers to let the Cowboys sleep off their drunken rage at the OK Corral. So of course when everything hits the fan, he gets blamed. "You just had to be so smart," spits Virgil's wife at Earp. What the heck lady?

And it doesn't stop there. Wyatt also tried to get his wife off opium to no avail. This is, of course, while she accuses him of cheating on her with Josephine, even though they never have sex. If I were Wyatt I would have spent the entire movie screaming, "What did I do?" or "I totally said we shouldn't get involved." or "Seriously? You're blaming me?" No wonder he spends the second half of the movie capping more folks than The Punisher. I don't blame the guy for going all Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Dude was mad stressin'. Word.

You're A Daisy If You Do

So while Wyatt gets sand-bagged in his own flick, Doc steals the show with all the great lines and awesome gun moves. He's the Rerun, the Strong Bad, the Ed Norton of the whole movie. And I think this dynamic is hurting America. Yes, Doc Holiday's irresistible charisma and sparkling wit is ruining lives.

You see, if the position of second banana is where the true genius toils in the shadows, then that is where the true geniuses are gonna end up applying to work. That's where society has told them to go. In a world where the best people are fighting for number two spots, duos wind up end up with terrible, under qualified folks at the leader position. Doesn't a particular U.S president come to "mind" ? Highlight below to see who I'm talking about.

Why write "Bush" when you already assumed I was going to write it? What does it mean that you immediately thought about him? Is it more to do with your perception of the media coverage around him, his actual qualifications and performance, or how you understand my personal politics? Interesting, no?

And who would want to be Luke when they can be Han Solo? Luke loses a hand, gets yelled at by a muppet, and accidentally makes out with his sister. Han gets the girl, the cool lines, and Chewbacca. Here's the two options: fight tough mental, spiritual, and physical battles with dad, or do the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs in the sweetest ride in the galaxy. Oh yeah, tough choice.

Maybe Poker's Just Not Your Game, Ike, I Know, Let's Have A Spelling Contest

The hero of today is unappreciated. The man/woman/talking dog that stands behind him maybe funnier, but he's not taking the lumps. No one blames the sidekick. No one blamed Quayle for the 90's recession, they blamed Bush. No one would have blamed Barney for a Mayberry crime spree, they would have blamed Andy. But alas our current system is to build the folks up and then tear them down. Just look at bum-turned-media darling Ted Williams. In the span of a week he was discovered, declared awesome, given a job, and then accused of being degenerate drunk incapable of help. All in a week. A week!

Culture is moving faster and faster. Epic poems are 140 characters long. Civilizations are grown, applauded, and then torn down hourly on game servers. Books downloaded, read, critiqued, and deleted before finishing a Facebook status that reads "Stephen King is overrated". And the kids on the rollercoaster, drunk on the possibility of life, cry ,"Faster! Faster still!"

I'm Your Huckleberry

And the only thing that can stop the encroaching madness. Except maybe a hero. Someone who can stand for what is decent and good. Someone incorruptible. Someone who will face the bullets and darts of non-believers and the jealous. Someone of energy and power. A true hero.

And they need to call me so I can be their wise ass sidekick.

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 19: The Goonies

Dear Avid Reader,

Life's pretty awesome when you're blogging about movies. So maybe everyone should blog about movies with me.

Or they should start paying me and then they can feel like they're a part of mine.

First You Gotta Do The Truffle Shuffle

Folks my age have searched in abandoned school rooms, attics, basements, wooded areas near their childhood home, and a bunch of other places. All of them looking for one thing...treasure. The Goonies is to blame for that. I even recently spoke with a friend about how we both looked all over our house hoping to find some long forgotten "rich stuff". Yes, adult men, with mortgages, looking for buried treasure.

But rather than shake our angry fist at The Goonies for brainwashing us, we spent the afternoon throwing ninja stars at a tree in my front yard. No seriously.

Give Me A Nice Wet Lickery Kiss

Then I realized something, if my 13 year-old-self (m13yos) could see me now, he'd would freaking flip out. I live with my wife, at a house that we own, where we share adult relations. This alone would cause m13yos to determine he would become a successful adult. But wait, my inner child, there is more.

I can listen to whatever album I want because of Rhapsody and the same for films/TV with Netflix. I carry the most advanced technology in human history in my pocket via the iPhone. I own a bunch of sweet vynil records. I drive where ever I want. I have two cool pet cats at the house. I can play the guitar a little. I still play video games, and on a wireless controller no less. Throwing ninja stars in the front yard this weekend only tops things off. And I was getting pretty good at it when it started getting dark. No, I was getting REALLY good.

M13yos's reaction to my current life has cause me to have a realization, I have become a personal success. M13yos would have totally been high-fiving m31yos this weekend. And that's when I decided that I was going to be happy for the rest of my life.

Pinchers of Peril, Saved By My Pinchers Of Peril

Now the scenario that I am going through is starting to sound like a different movie. Specifically, the Bruce Willis joint The Kid. Only now do I realize how genius that movie is. Because for a while there, I started trying to set my bar for success by some crazy adult standard. What the heck was I thinking? Why not look back to what I wanted when I first conceived of a future for myself? Using that first ruler, I have achieved everything. So I'm gonna go with the m13yos ruler rather than some other society generated one. Screw your ruler society!

This seems like too much of an upper compared to my bummer posts, but what the heck. Use a different ruler! Quit trying to be the ruler of my ruler. I'm gonna stop saying "ruler"....now.

Down Here, It's Our Time, It's Our Time Down Here

I wonder if as I age I will grow to appreciate awesome-ness less and less. Is being really awesome only for the young? I don't think so. I think that the understanding of awesome-ness we enjoy is only a recent phenomenon. Technology is helping man unlock the potential that awesome-ness has in store for mankind. And breakthroughs are happening all the time.

But the final achievement will be allowing all people and all nations to be cool. I think the problem is cool is an expensive thing. Can the cash-strapped afford coolness? I think not. And to those that would try and point out how some poor folks are cool, I say to them that the poor of America are considered rich in the rest of the world. I'm talking the "only a handful of rice a week" poor. I hope those people who questioned me feel terrible right now.

Follow Them Size Fives

Once we can have hipster subsets in the population of Somalia, there will be no more pirate attacks. Teaching the people of Myanmar how to strike a match with one hand will bring peace to the region. I dream of a day when the children of New Guinea can recite the code for infinite lives in Contra while they wear snarky t-shirts featuring lolcats. No babies will die on that day.

And the reason we need to work for global coolness (which has nothing to do with climate change...maybe) is that it means everyone has their needs met. Frivolous culture that is endlessly dissected can only happen when you don't have to worry about food and shelter. There's no way I know all the words to Antoine Dodson's Bed Intruder if I had to actually think about where my next meal was coming from.

This Was My Dream, My Wish, And It Didn't Come True

So I pray that everyone joins me in this fight against worldwide lameness/poverty. Not sure how this turned into a cause, but I'm sure I will flake out and not do anything real to help anything.

I mean, that's what m13yos would do. He's kind of an a-hole that way.

Until Next I Blog,

James

Week 18: Lost Boys

Dear Avid Reader,

Being cool is important. Maybe the most important thing in the world.

Well not literally, of course.

You Don't Have To Beat Me, Michael, You Just Have To Keep Up

The last few years have been huge for vampires. And I think vampires are behind the popularity surge. Yes, vampires exist, and they are savvy.

And the reason no one bats an eye at the vampire shadow empire is because vampires have evolved. They are next gen vamps. They have become...sexy.

Before Lost Boys, vampires were only portrayed as old dudes in old, aristocratic garb. Vamps sported that look from their discovery (1600's?) all the way through Blacula (blood...sucka!). But right there, in the 80's, boom! Teen vamps. Crazy right? It's makes so much sense now.

You're A Creature Of The Night Michael, Just Like Out Of A Comic Book

These new vampires introduce the plus side of being a creature of the night. They never grow old. Now vamps have always had this power, but The Lost Boys show that if you're gonna get stuck in an age, why not 22? Why get stuck at 53 like Dracula? Stay young and enjoy muscle saxophone music. That's how to do it!

There of course is a dark side to being stuck at a young age. You may also be saddled with teenage whiny-ness. Look no further than Team Edward for a prime example. But Edward has cause to be whiny. After all, he's stuck with hitting on high-school chicks. He can't have a mature relationship with one of these kids, but he also can go trolling the bars for divorcees. At least not any credible ones. So for all the eye-rolling about how lame Edward is, I say, "Walk a mile in his shoes".

Or not. I mean I understand. The dude is totally lame.

Maggots, Michael. You're Eating Maggots, How Do They Taste?

Immortality aside, this movie does make the case that vampires are supremely cool in the pantheon of monsters. They dress in the fashion of the day. They like amusement parks. They ride motorcycles. They like Jim Morrison. These cats are hip. Even grown-up Max has one of the coolest jobs of the era, video store owner. In The Lost Boys, finally, vampires are hip.

And that coolness plays out in all of the vampire works that followed. Young, fashionable, and bored equals vampire. They are the original hipsters. The formula is so ingrained that I think vampires can only turn folks that appear in American Apparel ads into new vamps. And only if you haven't voted. But if you have you can get an exemption if you can breakdance. I'm pretty sure this list of rules is legit.

Are You Freebasing, Michael? Inquiring Minds Want To Know

So vampires need to change that I think. Were are the nerd vampires? The fat vampires? When did it become a rule that vampires have to be hot? There has to be one vampire that partied to hard, and as the sun creeps up on him he grabs some dude on his way to work at the toll booth. So he jumps the toll-boother, starts drinking, but has to leave quickly because the sun is on it's way up. He drops the dude in his booth but gets his arm caught in the door. Some of his blood mingles with Ol' Tolly.

Tolly spends the day in the shade of his booth, crumpled beneath the glass, safe from the sun. As the evening arrives, he is able to head home to his wife. He tells her what happened, and they decide to live together as man and wife for eternity. They of course spend their nights volunteering at their church and getting there blood from criminals and the blood bank. With the house paid off, they have a lot of time during their retirement.

Initiation's Over, Michael, Time To Join The Club

But the vampire underworld catches wind of this. They could never allow a do-gooding, overweight couple to roam around vamping out. What would the werewolves think? They'd laugh their barking head off is what they'd do. So they declare a war against them, because even though they've lived for hundreds of years, they've never figured out how to end things peaceably.

But alas, the couple have many friends. An army of the homeless and regular church goers. The homeless use their knowledge of the streets to find the vampires lair. Many homeless lose their lives in the vampire's elaborate, booby-trapped maze but teh few that survive relay the location back to headquarters. And as the call to strike rings out from the fellowship hall of the Methodist church, vampires crash through the ceiling.

You'll Never Grow Old, Michael, And You'll Never Die, But You Must Feed

The battle is bloody and fierce. A mother of two, that keeps the church email list up to date, disembowels three night-crawlers with a decorative candelabra. The attendance deacon drives his orthopedic knee into the temple of a bloodsucker just before he is impaled on the leg of the communion table. And the entire Thursday morning women's group, Knit for the Needy, lures twelve vampires into the Butterfly classroom where the Children's Minster ignites the walls, decorated with depictions of heaven captured in yarn and glue, with a make-shift lighter and Lysol blow torch. No vampires escape the ensuing inferno.

Sadly the strength and numbers of the vampires overwhelm the old couple and their friends. But not before the vampires grow to admire to pluck and determination of their foes. Have they forgotten what they have learned over several lifetimes? Have they become empty vessels that can no longer feel pleasure? Do all vampires need to grow up?

They need something cause Twilight sucks.

Until Next I Blog,

James